


Do you ever look at someone and feel like your heart is going to burst?

by kawoshingirl



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Evangelion - Freeform, Gay, Kawoshin - Freeform, LGBT, M/M, Oneshot, THATS RIGHT YOU'VE FOUND HAPPY KAWOSHIN FANFIC, Yaoi, honestely i wrote this in a fever bc i loved the concept, kaworu likes this loop a lot, nonetheless they get together, shinji is as dense about feelings as a door, the title is basically my whole plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-12
Updated: 2020-11-12
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:20:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27519013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kawoshingirl/pseuds/kawoshingirl
Summary: Misato Katsuragi tells Shinji something about feelings that give him a lot to think about. He asks Kaworu to help him understand what exactly she meant with that expression, and things turn out being a bit more literal than he'd previously thought.orThe one in which Kaworu thinks he's totally receiving a love declaration from the dork he's in love with.Oneshot! based off the animeverse, but with slight adaptations (one of 'em is Kaworu being even more of a romantic ass gay Jesus).
Relationships: Ikari Shinji/Nagisa Kaworu
Comments: 4
Kudos: 178





	Do you ever look at someone and feel like your heart is going to burst?

**Author's Note:**

> this is entirely dedicated to my best friend mariana i mean you're my whole life i love you to the moon and back like a thousand times ok THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING <3

“Do you ever look at someone and feel like your heart is going to burst?”, Misato had said to him. It had been days, and Shinji still hadn’t quite taken that sentence in. Things had never been worse at their house. Since the woman had come home to hear Kaji’s final message, she looked more like a walking ghost than the vivid woman who had so eagerly picked Shinji up in her car in the middle of an Angel attack. The woman who’d made him feel the closest to a home than ever, even with her failed attempts at cooking, her terrible cleaning habits, and how much beer she drank. 

When Shinji first heard her desperate crying, his first thought was to run. Run from her, run from her sadness. He had enough of his own. And so he did. He came back to his small bedroom, lay in bed and listened to the same songs he always did. Misato’s cry could barely be heard through his headphones and his closed door. Whatever bothered her would be dealt and done with by the morning, he thought. 

It wasn’t dealt and done with by the following morning, or the morning after that, too. In the following day after he’d first heard her cry, he woke up and didn’t see her for hours. She only came out of her room to grab as much beer as she could hold, and returned to her loneliness at once. That routine remained for a long time. When Shinji saw her at NERV, she was Major Katsuragi as she always was, strong-willed, committed, smart.

At home, though, things took a whole different turn. He had come to hate dinner, when he, Asuka and Misato sat down together and ate in uncomfortable silence. He didn’t understand why, but Asuka was quickly becoming more and more aggressive towards him, or, actually, anyone. Shinji could see the hurtful words threatening to come out of her mouth at any moment, and he kept running away from her. The situation was nerve-wracking. Shinji had been absorbed by Unit 01 for a whole month, according to Misato, after she rescued him, and he kept wondering if it wasn’t his time to rescue her, too. 

He’d tried to get some sort of help from Asuka, but she’d screamed at his face before slamming the door shut. She would always scream lately. She truly seemed to hate him now, after she’d been saved by his Unit 01 in a bloody battle. What could he do? Apparently nothing. He had already tried enough, tried to be kind, tried to win her over with food, tried to be quiet so he wouldn’t irritate her, but the problem seemed to be really serious. 

And there was Misato, yet again. She ate just enough not to starve and filled her body with beer. More beer than usual. There were dark bags under her eyes, and he was pretty sure she hadn’t washed her clothes or cleaned her bedroom in a long time. No crying, though. At least not when anyone was nearby; the puffy eyes gave her away, but she never mentioned it, never tried to ask for any of the kid’s company or help. 

However, it would be unfair to say everything had gone to shit. There was… someone. Although he was so queer that Shinji sometimes thought of him more as a something, however cruel that might sound. Kaworu Nagisa. The new pilot that had presented himself at NERV right after the Spear of Longinus had been used by Unit 00 to defeat the Angel. Shinji was sitting alone by the lake, for no particular reason other than his desire to leave all the troubled women in his life behind for a little while, when someone had appeared. A boy his age. Taller than him. Dressed in his school’s uniform. His first thought was Touji. But that couldn’t be right. 

Touji had been crushed by his Unit 01’s dummy plug, and God knows where he was now, if he had even survived. Misato had said he did, but she surely had reasons to lie in order for him to keep piloting the EVA. It was a thought that haunted him from time to time. He could no longer face school. Could no longer face Hikari Horaki’s sad excuse of a smile when he came through the door. Kensuke’s pity. Still, he looked up, with the slightest hope that someone up there had finally decided to give him a gift. 

As soon as the boy got a tiniest bit closer, he could already tell he had been brutally wrong. This boy couldn’t be mistaken for Touji, not ever. His features were much, much softer. Greyish hair, almost white. A slim figure. He walked with his hands on his trouser’s pockets, with the grace of a model. _What? Why did I think that?_ He even thought the boy would just walk him by, not paying any attention. He looked like someone who wouldn't _just_ give you attention. Like he was something more. He surely had a different aura than the rest of his classmates. But he walked straight to where Shinji was sitting down, and sat by his side, uttering no words, not even a hello. He then proceeded to hum to a song. At that point, Shinji could already tell something was off about the boy. He just hoped it wasn’t in a bad way. 

Definetely not in a bad way, he decided after a few minutes in which they engaged in a natural conversation about music. They exchanged names, and right at once Kaworu called him by his first, with a -kun right by the end. That’d made him feel comforted. Maybe he was just craving for human kindness, and a stranger had performed the perfect role to fulfill his needs. Kaworu’s company that day gave the burning inside of him a rest.

But it wasn’t just that day. Him and Nagisa started to follow each other around. The boy’s first day at NERV had ended with the two of them in the shower, together, and Kaworu actually telling him he loved him, out of the blue. No one had ever said that to him. Not Misato. Not Rei. Not Asuka. Especially not Gendo. He’d blushed it off, deciding he didn’t care about the implications of what Nagisa had meant by loving him. His cello teacher had once said love is what you feel towards people you want around you, and it doesn’t have to be complicated. And if someone wanted him around, without expecting anything, that was more of a blessing than he’d ever dared hope for. Being wished for was so different than needed. He could already tell the difference. He _was_ piloting one of mankind’s last hope.

Because of just how much Shinji appreciated his company, he didn’t really think about the implications of another pilot just hanging around, specifically one that had absurd synchrony rates that he manipulated as he willed. Asuka hated him. She suspected the pretty boy was hiding something very hideous. And that he was also after her Unit 02, if she ever slipped. Kaworu, though, didn’t seem to hold a lot of interests other than to hang around with Shinji when their duties were done. He had even gotten Shinji to go back to school with him. 

Shinji couldn’t deny his mood’s abnormal improvement after he’d met him, however weird he could be sometimes, being all touchy and apparently knowing nothing about personal space or public decency. And, because of him being so happy, being home turned even worse. As soon as Kaworu dropped him by his doorstep, smiling his sweet smile before walking away towards his own house, he could already feel five times unhappier. Misato and Asuka’s bad moods slipped through the door, through the walls.

One of those days, after Kaworu had dropped him off with a kiss on the cheek that for some reason made him stutter when it was his time to say goodbye, he opened the door to find Misato crying by the table, holding the phone to her ears. _Is she replaying Kaji’s message…?_

“Misato-san, why are you crying for?”, Shinji asked, worried. She had held herself together in front of them so far. This must have been her last shred of dignity going away.

“For me, Shinji-kun”, she answered amidst sobs. 

“What? How can I help you?”, he questioned, ready to hug her, despite his usual lack of that sort of affection. He knew touch was important to Katsuragi. _I think Kaworu likes touching, too. Our hands are always locked together, wherever we go._

“Understanding me. I feel like no one understands my grief. Not even Ritsuko, goddammit”.

“But, Misato-san… I don’t know how to do that”

“It’s so easy, Shinji. You never try to get close to other people’s hearts. What are you so scared of?”. Her sentence reminded him of something Kaworu had once said, about him avoiding contact so there would never be a chance of getting hurt. And how human hearts were fragile.

“He meant a lot, didn’t he?”, Shinji finally asked. He’d been avoiding that so far, as if, if he didn’t mention Kaji and Misato’s grief over him, all the pain would eventually go away without him getting involved. Without him having to put an effort into understanding someone. 

“Do you wanna know just how much? Do you really want to learn something real about me?”, Misato questioned, her words coming through a hoarse, tired voice. Shinji nodded. He owned her that.

“Do you ever look at someone and feel like your heart is going to burst?”, the woman said, a warm smile on her beautiful tear-stained face. Shinji didn’t understand her at once. Why was she asking him that? 

“You look lost. I just told you how much Kaji meant to me. If you don’t feel like this towards anyone, whether they’re your friend, family, or something else, you can’t possibly truly understand me. But you can always try, anyways. Sometimes trying is better than succeeding”, Misato answered, cold. He couldn’t even blame her for the honest, bitter answer. He _had_ asked. “And if we’re talking about that, you wanna hear something else, too? Piece of advice. You might as well be as blind towards other people as you accuse your father of being. You knew of my state and you only acknowledged it now, when I’ve always been there for you, with open arms. Every damn time you ran. Every damn time you came back. Think about it”. With that, she got up and left, no beer this time. Shinji might as well have gotten a clear slap through his stunned face. Was she right? Was he just like Gendo?

He was still _thinking about it_ , as Misato had put it. There was no more running away from the subject. He was in a bad situation with the two women he shared a house with, and it wasn’t the most comfortable feeling ever. Everyone had learned a routine that was made up of avoiding each other. Shinji was the first to wake up and leave to meet Kaworu, followed half an hour later by Misato, and, lastly, Asuka, who had dropped school [she did have a college degree, anyways] and now only had NERV as an occupation. That and screaming at Shinji.

A week after the table accident, he was sitting on his chair, in the almost empty classroom, waiting for Nagisa to pack up his stuff so they could go home together. His mind had gone for a walk; he was staring into nothingness for a good while already, Misato’s hurt face floating around with Asuka’s angry one, both accusing him of something. 

Suddenly, he was brought back to reality. Kaworu’s warm fingers were caressing his face. He blushed as soon as he was conscious of what was happening. 

“Shinji-kun, are you feeling alright? Your pretty face was so far away…”, Nagisa declared with his typical sweet and inviting smile. Shinji couldn’t even picture a negative expression in that angelical face. And there it was. Kaworu calling him pretty again, maybe for the third time just this day. _Perhaps things were different where he was from. I don’t really… mind it. I actually like it. He’s so careless about things but so caring about me._

Following that thought, he came to an obvious conclusion. Maybe Kaworu could help him out with what Misato had told him. Maybe he knew how to make things right again. He looked like he knew a lot of stuff, Shinji felt that from the moment when he’d first seen him walk along the lake’s shore and sit by his side. _Different aura_. _Like he’s something else._

“Kaworu-kun, can I ask you something?”, he asked, feeling inspired and hopeful. He was still sitting down, and motioned for Nagisa to sit, too. Not really getting the message, the pale boy sat in the same chair as Shinji was in, pushing him slightly aside so they would both fit.

Shinji thought about saying something, but that wasn’t really something to be bothered by.

“You can ask me anything you wish, Shinji-kun”, the boy answered, suddenly happier than a minute ago. _So he’ll be the one to confess to me, in this timeline? Dare I be hopeful?_ , was what Kaworu thought to himself, feeling the weight of countless other lives he’d gone through with Shinji, almost all of them with tragic endings. 

Sometimes there were good ones, but most of them never happened in the universe where he was the Final Angel and Shinji was the Third Child, such as it was right now. But even a short love demonstration would already be enough for him to consider this a happy one. Sometimes they never got around to that. If they did, it was mostly due to Kaworu’s actions. But seeing Shinji be the one to say the words was always an indescribable pleasure. 

“Do you ever look at someone and feel like your heart is going to burst?”, Ikari finally asked, a slight blush in his cheeks that made Kaworu warm up from the inside out. But what was up with this question? Could he be conflicted about being… in love? And if he were, would he really speak directly to the person he liked? It was rare, in fact it had happened only in two loops, but sometimes him and Shinji just ended up as friends, because he had already been taken by someone else. Asuka. Ugh. It was worse than being beheaded by Unit 01’s robotic hands. He considered his situation. Ikari looked at him filled with expectation, and grabbed his hands, so they could be joined. _Oh_. _This really is your way of telling me, then. Ok, I’ll get the message and do the final effort for us, since you came this far._

“Constantly, Shinji-kun. Constantly”, Kaworu answered, and pushed himself closer to the other boy, so close that Shinji’s side was now pressed to the wall. The boy gave him a sort of desperate laugh, and blushed harder. _So freaking cute. That won’t ever change._

“Really? Wow, that makes me so relieved!”, Shinji gave a happy yelp and quickly hugged his friend in their tight space, then dropped his hands back, so they could join them again. “Um, Kaworu-kun, I like you a lot, so much more than I let on. I truly think you’re the greatest. Can you help me with some things involving that question, then? You’re the only one who can”, Shinji asked, an honest look of innocent expectation. It was such a good thing that he and Nagisa had become so close.

“Any special wishes? What do you want me to do? Anything is on”, Kaworu asked with a mischievous smile. Maybe it was one of the times where they got down and dirty. _Nice_. 

“Well, how were you able to identify that you felt like that? Can you tell me?”.

“Is there anything you ask me that I don’t do? Here, come closer. Do just as I do”, Kaworu spoke, pulling his hands away from Shinji’s, and bringing them up to the back of Ikari’s neck. With a confused look, Ikari came closer, and mimicked him, touching his exposed skin, feeling a shiver when he noticed how warm it was, how real. A part of him _did_ believe Nagisa to be made up of his dreams or straight up dropped by the heavens to make him happy. 

If they were standing up, it would have looked like they were ready to waltz. Although, when people waltz, it’s usually just one of them that holds their partner’s neck, Shinji supposed, but wasn’t sure. Not like it mattered. _His heart_ was waltzing already. It didn’t feel bad to be this close to Kaworu, but it did feel new. And a bit forbidden. He didn’t know why, but he was terrified of anyone surprising the two of them. Were all the students gone? They _had_ to be. 

“What exactly are you… are we doing, Kaworu-kun?”, Shinji asked, refraining himself before making it seem like he was about to blame his friend for something. He was the one to ask for this help, and didn’t want to look ungrateful. 

“I was hoping this would be a good example of what you told me you wanted to know”, Kaworu whispered to his ear. _Wait, why is he talking directly there? And why does it feel weirdly good?_

“I’m.. I’m sorry, I don’t get it. I think you’ll need to be more clear”, Shinji muttered back. Kaworu raised an eyebrow. Was he playing games? Interesting. Exciting, too. Well, two could do that. He was about to kiss him, but decided to wait a bit after hearing that. 

“Sure, Shinji-kun. Whatever you say. Do you want me to use my mouth in order to be clear?”, he questioned with a low voice he rarely used while being the Final Angel. It was more of his normal human boyfriend voice than anything. He knew just how much it was appreciated, to be humble about it, by Shinji. And it really was. 

Even without completely understanding just what they were doing, he could feel the chills through his body due to their proximity and their exchange of words, or how Kaworu’s hands had stopped holding his neck and started to _caress_ it, fondly pulling at the back of his hair, too. _What is this feeling in the lower part of my body? My stomach’s suddenly holding a horde of butterflies inside it._

“Huh, well, that’s a funny way of putting it, but you can do as you think it’s best”, Shinji answered, suddenly conscious of every inch that stood between the two, or how the school had gone quiet, and the sun was setting. Soon, it would be dark. _And why had he described a conversation with the words ‘use my mouth’? I always knew him to be queer, but, Gosh._

“What’s best. Hum. Should I start by telling you how I’m not at all a stranger to that feeling?”, Kaworu started saying, a smile that could either be really sad or really happy crossed across his beautiful features. “Maybe say that it’s not just my heart that bursts, but my whole being. You told me about looking, and, well, my eyes play a huge part in it, surely. It’s due to them that I’ve been able to appreciate the one I love so many times, and that’s something I’m always thankful for. - Shinji took his eyes from his own lap and stared deep into his crimson eyes, and realized _he_ _was already being stared at_. Now that he’d come to realize, those crimson eyes always followed him. - At first, it was only when he was distracted. But, now, I stare all the time. But, like I said, it’s not only the eyes, or the heart”. 

“Kaworu-kun?”, Shinji questioned in a whisper of a voice. His hands were trembling, and he pulled them away from the boy’s neck and let them fall back to his lap. 

“What, am I taking too long to give my statement? It’s always been a problem of mine. I can’t help it when the subject is love. I’m somewhat peculiar, you see. One might even say my sole purpose in life is express it, live for it, give as much of it as I can”. _I was probably born just to meet you_. He didn’t ever get tired of saying that. Now, his lover’s eyes were dwelling on the verge of tears. _He’s never received a feeling like this from anyone, except from me. Other people always expect something back. I don’t. All I dare wish for is to have his company. If he allows me more, then I’ll gladly accept it._

“So you’re in love”, was the only thing that Shinji managed to spit out, and then cursed himself on the stupidity of what he’d just asked, but he couldn’t think of anything else. That was already as clear as the sky. For how long? They had known each other for barely more than a month. He had a realization that time had never played a major role between them. _We know each other too well. I know that I know him for a longer time than a month, even if it’s impossible._ But, in a world filled with alien creatures like Angels and EVAs, was it really?

“I’ve never _not been_ in love, Shinji-kun. It’s an old habit I won’t ever drop, not as long as you and me exist in this painful world or others”, Kaworu confessed, his mind filled with images. It was both a blessing and a curse to be the one who was able to remember about their fate. He remembered every little detail of the multiple versions of them that were out there. So many lives to choose from. However, his favorite was always the one he was currently living. Because seeing Shinji face to face, breathing, was what drove him. Memories were just that. He lived for the current nows and the others to come.

“What do you mean by others, Kaworu-kun? And can someone like you really feel that for someone like me?”, Shinji questioned, pulling his face so close to the other boy’s that he truly thought he would be kissed. _You’re always putting yourself down when it comes to me, like you aren’t the reason I’ve lived thousands of lives and keep coming back for more._

“The only thing that makes sense for me to say right now is that I was born to meet you, Shinji-kun. The one that makes my heart burst is you. It’s always been just you, and will always be”, Kaworu declared, his smile going shy for the first time since they’d met. No matter how many times he’d lived through a confession, the moments before and after saying it were always heart-stopping. He carefully looked at Shinji’s mesmerized face. 

“Kaworu-kun, I finally get it. I always understood exactly what Misato meant”, he answered, pulling his trembling hands towards Nagisa’s cheeks. Without getting a chance to think better about it, he closed the remaining inches between his lips and the other boy’s. 

While they kissed, Shinji delicately pulled Kaworu’s hands towards his chest, for him to feel his beating heart. He got the message. It was out of control, just like his own.

**Author's Note:**

> what can i even say? im not really good at oneshots but i did my best lol


End file.
